Still My Daddy

Hej daddy,

　　I have always been good at writing when it comes to forms of expressions. At this moment, I need to feel like I'm telling you these more than anything, but I don't want to bother you when you are traveling, and you probably don't want to see this at all, so I'll just pour my guts here, at the top of the waterfall - the beginning of the end.

　　(This is the song I find most intriging from the album that you highly recommended. As you know, I developed the fascination towards unsettling things recently, and this is definitely my favorite unsettling song.)

　　I guess the need to write emerged from hearing someone asking why selfies can't really capture herself yesterday, and I was like, "Hey, I know the answer to this!" Because you told me in the botanical garden on the day we spent our first night together. And I was suddenly struck by the overwhelming feeling of how much I miss you.

　　When I was by your side, I felt completely safe. You made me feel protected and secured, even when you were sick. I like how I was absolutely free with you and I enjoy every second we spent together. The intimacy, connection and the fact that our bodies fit perfectly are so good in a surreal way that I don't think I'll ever forget any of this.

　　It is, however, the slightest things about you that I'm scared of losing, bits by bits, day by day. The fact that your English is better than any native speaker I know, that you know so much about the world we're in that you can explain everything to me with ease; the focused look of you taking a picture; the way you said, "Drink." to me in your native language in the imperative mood the first time I went to your place; how you "tried so hard" to guess what color my hat is, basically naming all the color and pattern in English that you know; your theory of why coffee is so much better than sex; the way you tell your phone, "Why don't you shut the fuck up?" and then switched to another song. Or on the last day we're together, when we sat by the river, I saw how rays of the setting sun danced in your eyelashes, making them glisten with a kind of warmth that fills my eyes with tears.

　　I'm so good at crying I could probably win an award for it. The day that you had to cancel meeting me when you just got a bit better from the mysterious sickness. I had to go hide in a restroom stall in the nearest metro station and cried for 10 solid minutes for feeling abandoned. After you're gone, I have the urge to cry whenever I think of you. Crying feels terrifying but kind of good at the same time: it consoles me somehow, but I can literally feel it stealing pieces of me every single freaking time.

　　I can't say that I didn't see it coming - I did. The nature of this relationship is meant to be so short-lived and I knew it all along, but there is no way I can control my feelings, and all the time in the world wouldn't be enough to prepare me from the heartbreak of having to part with you.

　　The reason I can't have casual relationships and still be functional is because I always submit completely and all at once, for I believe it's either total power exchange or no power exchange at all. The moment you sat me down and hugged me from behind, melting me with your whole body had me decided to be completely yours, without any reservations. You're my daddy and you took care of me gently, tenderly - just the way I needed you to be.  I'm not sure what I mean to you, and I was too afraid to ask. I'm sorry if I needed you too much in the end. I know you probably had never intended for this to happen.

　　You told me you're coming back the first time you mentioned when you are leaving; said that you just need to take care of something first, and I'm not sure if it's like how I swore a bunch of times about going back to St. Petersburg, yet still being here, stuck in the middle of the desire to live and the compromise to exist. Though I'm actually glad that I didn't go back now - otherwise I wouldn't have the chance to meet you. I did hope you could take me away somehow, someday, but you had never asked twice. I wish we had more time together, so that I can get to know you better than I did, but the world, indeed, is not a wish-granting factory.

　　I hate being so busy and tired all the time. You told me I fell asleep that night in the middle of saying a sentence and you were like, "Am I THAT interesting?" Dear daddy, you are the most interesting thing that had happened to me in a very, very long time.

　　You said it's different with me. I hope you meant it.

　　So, for me, it feels like you are still my daddy... until you won't be.

Yours,

little D.