No Fear

Hej,

　　Here I am again, writing, to you. The most significant difference is probably that I don't really care if you can see this anymore. It'd actually be better if you can't, or rather don't. I'm writing this for my own sake, because my head is a mess, and I need the power of words to comb through my thoughts.

　　You said you're in pain, so much that you can't bring yourself to even talk to me, that you fear to read my reply to that specific message of yours. I spent months trying to understand how I, in my most pathetic shape, am hurting you. Maybe I am, but how and why are not important, because they dissolved in your silence without any traces.

　　It has been more than two months since you last sent me a smiley. It used to feel special for me, because I know you don't usually use it. It's like someday you just decided that I don't get to have it anymore. With us being apart, this also feels like you haven't smiled at me for more than two months. You didn't smile a lot when we were together, but you look amazing when you did. I miss it, among all other things.

　　Sometimes I wish I had your green sweater.

　　I remember I was so worried about forgetting the little things about you, like your tiniest gestures, like how you commented on something ridiculous, or like how you did most of the easy things absent-mindedly. It turns out I remember everything that has happened between us, but I am forgetting the sound of your voice, the smell of you, the shade of your eyes and even how you look like from a bit down below your left chin - my angle.

　　Why does it have to be so hard?

　　And then there was this fear. I had always been so afraid in our relationship. I feared for the day you're leaving before it really came, but compared to how I constantly feared I was not good enough for you, it was nothing. It was so tiring having all these pressures all the time. I don't ever want to be so afraid anymore.

　　I used to think there was still something I could have done to make the situation better. I could've ran down the bridge, hugged you from behind, and asked you to stay, to keep me, to come back, to take me away. Then I came to realize it wouldn't have made any differences. You need to be cold, to be distant, to be indifferent, to not get irritated by your own emotions, and I would make you anything but that.

　　So I tell myself over and over again, that nothing is going to be the same. Even if we do meet again someday, even if we do have something again one day, it will only be either better or worse, but never the same.

　　You've determined to make everything harder for me now - maybe not intentionally, but the result is the same. The certainty of your presence is gone. I know I can't go back to the days when I believed you would answer me sooner or later no matter what I say, I can't go back to the days when I could expect to wake up to your messages occasionally.

　　But seriously, were they really that good, or were they just the ghost of everything we ever wanted?

　　"Letting go hurts" was what you said. I've let go of everything on different levels millions of times after you're gone. And you're long gone.

　　I guess I have no choice but to leave everything as is. I will archive all our pictures and videos, but I don't think I have it in me to look at them again any time soon, just like how I didn't have it in me to defy you.

　　There will be no fear from now on.

D.